The Unskilled Housewife

DeFlocked

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 19:10:00 +0000

Since my house is a near constant wreck, I find myself in need of activities to distract myself from the mess. Reading is one of my main passions, but I don't have a lot of time (or, lets be honest, brain power) to invest. This is why I like short, light books and magazines. I want something I can pick up and put down without forgetting what was going on.

Have you seen the new comic DeFlocked by Jeff Corriveau?

I used to love comics, but lately I have only read Get Fuzzy because it is the only comic that consistently made me laugh out loud.

Until now.

I am in love with DeFlocked. Witty like Bloom County and cute like Calvin and Hobbes, DeFlocked is a strip that needs to be in every newspaper in every town.

Check it out online: http://www.deflocked.com/colorsamples.html

This will give you a reason to subscribe to the newspaper again!

Help Wanted, Desperately

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 18:09:00 +0000

I just finished reading the book Help Wanted, Desperately by Ariel Horn. There was a part near the end where Alexa, the main character, is applying for a job as a deodorant sniffer. I was laughing so hard I started crying. When I was done with the book, my husband swiped it off my night stand saying that he "wants to laugh too."
If you like chick lit like Meg Cabot and Cara Lockwood, you need to read this book. It is the light and fluffy story of a girl, Alexa, who is about to graduate from college and can't get a job. The plot follows Alexa through a series of hilarious job interviews where she embarrasses herself and makes the reader laugh. In the classic chick lit style, our heroine finds her way and gets the guy.
This is one of the funniest books I have read in a long, long time. It was published in 2004, but isn't in any way dated if you read it now. I even found the first chapter online for you to read!

Then click on over to amazon or your local library and get this book.
Life is too short for bad or serious books.
Help Wanted, Desperately is a flat out good read.

Almay Smart Shade Makeup

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 17:57:00 +0000

Have you seen the commercial for Almay Smart Shade Makeup? It is so cool! The makeup starts out white and when you put it on your skin in magically turns the color of you! I saw the commercial late one night and immediately sent the husband out to the 24 hour grocery to pick up a tube. He might have felt like his masculinity was slightly compromised on his late night grocery run, because he also brought back beer and some pizza rolls.

When I put the makeup on, it really did start out white. It goes on evenly and feels silky, like it is moisturizing your face, but not in a greasy way. There were no problems blending it either because it changes its shade. No big line under your chin where you didn't blend quite right, or streaks on your forehead because you had to run and feed the baby mid-application. The smell is a little flowery, but that dissipated after a few minutes. It is a little heavier than the foundation I usually use, and that will be good if I am having a bad skin day or am not feeling well and am looking pasty.

The best part by far is how the makeup changes color. It is fun every time I have put it on.

Pantene Pro-V Brunette Expressions

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 17:47:00 +0000

You all know the problems I have with my hair. I swim every day in a chlorinated pool and in addition to making my hair crunchy, the chemicals are starting to make my hair change color. I have seen all these ads for color enhancing shampoo and conditioner. Pantene products have served me well in the past, so into my shopping cart these went.

The shampoo bottle says it is "Daily color enhancing shampoo with Liquid Crystals." I don't know what that is all about, in my hand, it just looked like brown shampoo. Fortunately, it was a very attractive shade of brown. The package also claims that this "helps enhance depth for rich luminous shine." Once my hair was dry, I didn't really see evidence of that either.

As a color enhancing shampoo and conditioner, these were kind of duds. I didn't notice any difference in color. However, if you are looking for good shampoo and conditioner, these rock. Pantene products always smell great, and these are no exception. The conditioner left my hair so smoothy soft, I didn't even have to use any other products to beat it into submission.

If you are looking for something to give your color a kick, look elsewhere. If you are looking for soft, great smelling hair, you can't do better than Pantene.

Crystal Light Immunity Cherry Pomegranate

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 23:53:00 +0000

I am not a big fan of artificially sweetened fruit flavored drinks. I would rather have all the sugar and real fruit, but this landed in my mailbox, so I gave it a try. It is Crystal Light Immunity Natural Cherry Pomegranate vitamin enhanced drink mix. It claims to have "90 % fewer calories than leading beverages." I guess they mean compared to soda or Kool Aid. The package was a little hard to open and spilled some when I finally ripped it. I dumped it in my water bottle and shook it up.
It was disturbingly opaque. The color was kind of alarming as well. Like if one of the kids asked me what I was drinking, I might be tempted to answer, "It is most certainly not blood. Uh...have you seen your father lately?"

As for taste, it needs to be chilled. My water was warm and it tasted thick and unnatural.

After sitting in the refrigerator for a while, the taste changed. It had a strong cherry flavor that was quite zippy.

The absolute best was when I put it in the freezer in the ice cube tray. This Crystal Light was awesome as cherry flavored ice cubes in my tea. The vitamins were a nice touch too.

For me, this tasted so much like juice, I wouldn't bother with it because I would drink juice instead. However, if I was worried about the calories and sugar in juice, this would be a great substitute. And as I said before, it is phenomenal frozen into ice cubes and popsicles for a
low-cal treat.

I did like the single serving packet. This would be very useful for me to throw in my purse, or for someone to keep in their desk at work. The packaging was sufficiently difficult to open that you wouldn't be in danger of having everything spill out all over everything in your handbag.

Another Cooking Disaster

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 18:19:00 +0000

On the Food Network, the chefs are forever cooking roasted chicken and acting like it is the easiest thing in the world to make. I picked up a roasting chicken at the store because it looked so quick and simple. I guess where I went wrong is forgetting it was in the oven until 3 hours later.

It does not look like a chef made it. It looks all dry and burned. Maybe I will pick the meat off and throw it in some mayo. Maybe as chicken salad it won't taste bad. I think I might have to throw away the pan too. How could I possibly get all that grease out of there? If you look closely at the picture, you will see I forgot to add the stuffing before putting it in the oven. That is probably a good thing.

If I had added it, the house would have caught on fire.

On-Cor Pizza Pop'ems

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 23:26:00 +0000

In my ongoing effort to feed my family without ever learning how to cook, I picked up these On-Cor Pizza Pop'ems at the grocery store. They looked like Totino's pizza rolls (which I love) but were less expensive. I had good luck with the last On-Cor frozen dinner, so I decided to give these a try Cook em up just like pizza rolls, and they look like pizza rolls, but that is where the similarity ends.
I didn't like them at first because they really don't taste anything at all like pizza rolls. They aren't particularly cheesy and they have more dough that stays bready instead of the crispy pizza roll dough.
But, once I got used to the fact that these are not a substitute for pizza rolls, I liked them. They had a really nice flavor, not too zesty, really sausagy, lots of Italian spices.
I don't know that I would buy them again, because I would opt for Totino's Pizza Rolls instead. These really did taste good. Just different.

Happy 4th of July!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 22:25:00 +0000

Happy 4th of July! I want to thank all of our military men and women and their families as well as all veterans for their service to this great country!

We are going to eat barbecue, drink Coke, and watch fireworks to express our gratitude for living in a free country!

Why I love Steve

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 17:08:00 +0000

I'm a horrible cook. I know it. Sure, I try to make things that are tasty. But I get distracted easily. Recipes take too long to review and decipher. I'm pretty sure I could try harder, but I have one thing standing in my way. Steve, my husband.

Steve can cook. And I mean he can cook well. Make you weak in the knees well. And he has, on many occasions.

Take last night, for example. Steve decided to make cinnamon sticky buns. The pictures below don't quite do them justice. They're all sticky, buttery, and sweet.

Make you have the Big O with just one bite.

Herein lies the problem. Steve cooked for me as soon as we started dating, so I just never felt the need to cook. Why turn down sticky buns in favor of my "Famous Squishy French Toast"? I'm sure you understand. So Steve cooks, I'm happy, and in turn, Steve is happy.

Betty Crocker Warm Delights

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 22:16:00 +0000

I got a sample of chocolate cake in the mail!! Automatically it is awesome because who doesn't love unexpected chocolate? When seeing these in the store, I didn't realize you had to add stuff and stir. Kind of a downer that you can't just pop it in the microwave, file your nails and ding! Chocolate!
Inside the box is a small plastic bowl, a little bag of cake mix, and a little packet of fudge icing. minus five points because I had to locate a measuring spoon. Direction one: Empty cake mix into bowl and stir in 1 tbsp water plus 1 teaspoon water. I had a tablespoon, but could only find a 1/2 tsp measure. Which of course meant added work. Not much, but still it stood between me and the chocolate cake.

Here I have added the mix and the water.
Then I artfully decorated the top with fudge. I am awarding extra points for the amount of fudge in the packet. There was enough for me to put it on the top of the cake and still suck a bunch of it out of the packet while waiting for the cake to cook.

Into the microwave for 30 seconds. Fast!
It is called Molten Chocolate Cake, but there really wasn't anything molten about it. Maybe they meant the warm fudge on top.

As for taste, it was a little chemical tasting. Not that that is a huge thing for me considering my usual diet of convenience foods, but in the interest of full disclosure, I wanted to mention it.

It tasted like warm cake mix cake. Okay, but not fantastic or memorable. I think it was also brought down by the amount of preparation I put into it. It would have been more tolerable if I could have plucked it out of the package and tossed it in the microwave instead of having to locate implements of measurement and dirty up a spoon to stir the mix.

Grow Your Gardens!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 05:03:00 +0000

I read an article on CNN today (http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/ wayoflife/06/26/growing.xtra.ap/index.html) about growing gardens in your yards to help out food banks with their shortages. I've been thinking about growing a garden anyway, as part of the homeschooling the kids. This will be a nice thing to do with the fruits and veggies!

I guess I'll have to read up starting a garden! Any ideas? Should I buy plants or seeds? Is it too late in the season? Texas stays warm through December, so I should be fine to plant now, I think.

The only problem I may have is my aversion to dirt. I think plants need the stuff to grow.

Environmental Guilt?

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 18:51:00 +0000

I am feeling kind of guilty about the whole paper plate incident in my last post.

We really are trying to go green over here, but as a parent it is so hard!

It is also way expensive.

Sometimes, I don't have time to wash dishes.

I know there are alternatives and at the grocery store here we can buy disposable plates made of corn that biodegrade rapidly. I have looked at buying them, I have even had them in my cart, but then took them out because they are SO expensive. There isn't enough discretionary income in my budget to pay $3 for 8 plates.

I got a bread machine at the thrift store and I use that instead of buying bread. That cuts down on the waste we have from plastic bread wrappers. We carry around plastic cups with water instead of water bottles, and use reusable grocery bags.

But life is busy for a mama in 2008!

My family is open to more ideas for going green, if you have some send them along.

We are trying to do our part a little bit at a time.

Lemon Rice

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 18:06:00 +0000

There are women in this world, we will call them "good mothers," who wake up every morning and make their children buckwheat pancakes with fresh berries for breakfast.

There are also women in this world, we will call them "me," who wake up every morning with no clue what they are going to feed their children.

I came up with a winner this morning!

I am giving it the very nutritious sounding name of "Lemon Rice."

Lemon Rice

White rice cooked according to package directions

margarine

milk

pink lemonade powdered drink mix

Put the rice in a dish, add the margarine, milk, and pink lemonade powder and mix it all up. Serve with guilt on a Dixie plate and feel bad about what all that trash is doing to the environment.

Lemon Rice is super easy to make! The kids loved it, and it sort of has good nutritional value since I added the calcium from the milk and the vitamin C in the lemonade powder. It would probably be even better if I made it with Tang!

Duh, sign there

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 22:04:00 +0000

Dragging the kids around town.

The baby was crying, Nina was dragging and I was talking to the teens. Distracted, I held the baby in one arm and dug around in my purse with my other hand for my keys.

I walked face first into a handicapped parking sign.

Just about knocked myself out.

A tattoo.

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 21:48:00 +0000

My son Ben, age 16, came into the kitchen with a friend the other day and they were talking about getting tattoos. You just know he is going to want something stupid that he will regret once he leaves high school. Or maybe he will go into his bedroom and give himself a nasty homemade tattoo that will get infected and cost me thousands of dollars in medical care.

My brother has what is quite possibly the stupidest, ugliest tattoo I have ever seen and it is on his ankle forever. Learn from his mistake, I say.

I try to get my kids to think things through without acting like I am saying "no" to something they want.
I don't want Ben to go out and get a big tattoo on his face out of spite and then live with me forever because no one will hire him.
So I told him he could get a tattoo, I would even drive him and pay for the tattoo

but it has to be huge.

And it has to say "I love my mom!"

It is hot up in here!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 02:59:00 +0000

It was over 100 degrees in Texas today.

Felt like 563 degrees.

Thought I was going to die.

No one else was hot.

They all get annoyed when I turn the air conditioning down to 55.

I have come up with a solution for times like these.

1) take a big 2 liter soda bottle, fill it with water and put it in the freezer.

2) when it is frozen, put the bottle in a pan to catch the drips

3) place the bottle and pan behind a high-velocity fan

4) aim the fan directly at my face

The fan pulls the cool off of the frozen bottle and blows it around.

If that is too much work here is another option:

Sit in the fridge.

Unskilled / Housewife

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 01:46:00 +0000

A survey appeared in my mailbox today.
I love surveys.
Give me an opportunity to mouth off about something and I will absolutely take that opportunity.
The baby was down for a nap and I pulled out my sharpened #2 pencil to give the survey a piece of my mind. I filled out the beginning questions like household income, gender, and zip code. Then I got to the biggie, "What is your occupation?" Among the many choices including architect and teacher, at the bottom of the list I see "Unskilled/Housewife" as the last choice. Are they kidding me?

I admit, housewifery is new to me. I do not have the skills that most women bring to the home arena. My house is a mess, my curtains need to be cleaned and my kids have Popsicle juice stains on their shirts.

So probably "Unskilled/Housewife" applies to me.

But the other housewives I know are amazing CEO's of their families. Their kids are beautifully turned out, they bake and sew, their houses are clean, the pantry is full and they are sticking to their budget.

Hear me when I tell you, survey people, housewives are plenty skilled. They can do just about anything and they do it with a babies on their hips and kids screaming in their ears.

Next time you send me a survey, it had better say, "Skilled/Housewife"

Menstrual cup, did you know there was such a thing?

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 00:17:00 +0000

I have been reading about Menstrual Cups. They are an alternative to tampons and pads, reusable, won't give you toxic shock, last 10 years, and claim to not leak. I opted for the Moon Cup from www.mooncupsandkeepers.com There are several brands to choose from, but this one had a good guarantee and I was a little afraid to commit. We are trying to "go green" over here and this seemed like as good a place to start as any. Honestly, I am so sick of shelling out the cash every month for tampons. They are expensive and there are other things I would rather spend that money on. The Moon Cup costs $35 which, if I like it and use it all the time, should save me money.

The Moon Cup is made of medical grade silicone, there is also latex option called The Keeper.

The directions looked a little difficult, but I have a college degree and could probably figure it out.
Here is the condensed version of the insertion directions:
1) wash your hands
2) fold up The Moon Cup oragami style
3) in a swift and decisive motion, shove it in
4) wait a few hours

For removal:
1) wash your hands
2) Reach up in there
3) pinch the cup
4) pray
5) yank it out

The first time I tried to use it, it was a little disconcerting. One has to be extremely familiar with one's body, if you know what I mean. I was practically elbow deep. Once it was in there, it was uncomfortable, so I had to get it out. During this part, I panicked a little and had to call Steve into the bathroom for moral support. (which he did not give, by the way)
The cup kind of stuck in there and had a pretty heavy suction going on. Despite his unsupportive fits of raucous laughter, Steve was able to bring me the directions, which I read one handed. I had forgotten to pinch the cup. Once I released the suction, smooth sailing.
I removed the cup and cut off a piece of the long end, handle thing, washed the whole thing off and tried again.
This time, everything was great. No problems putting it in or taking it out. It just has a learning curve. On another note, I didn't have any cramps with this cycle. Maybe those were caused by tampons? Not sure.

Pros:
1) low cost

2) lasts a really long time

3) good for the environment

4) don't have to empty it very often

5) made in America

Cons:

1) messy, might get less messy with more practice. Since nothing is absorbed, just collected, you get an intimate view of everything.

2) takes a while to learn how to use it

3) must be very comfortable touching your body

I will definitely use this again. It is very convenient to not have to carry supplies with me everywhere I go for a week.

My 15 year old daughter, Annalise, totally laughed when I offered to get her a menstrual cup. She is sticking with tampons and pads.

Super Shiny Lips

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 23:42:00 +0000

I was at Bath and Body Works today. It is one of my favorite stores and I always find something totally necessary to my daily life. Today, it was Ultra Mentha Lip Shine. Breezing through at a cool $7.50, it was a little pricey. But can you truly put a price on good lip gloss? I am talking about a gloss that doesn't seal your lips shut because it is so sticky. A good lip gloss is a steal at $7.50.Here is what sold me: It is a non-sticky super shiny gloss that tastes INCREDIBLE! It is sweet and minty. You can even use it as a breath freshener. Double duty, for those of us who count ourselves lucky when we are able to get out of the house without baby spit on our clothes.

Picture this, I am out with my handsome husband on a date. We go to a lovely Italian restaurant where I eat an entire loaf of garlic bread while waiting for my entree. We have dinner and get ready to leave. I excuse myself to the ladies room where I reapply my dazzling new gloss. Wham! All at once, fresh breath and kissable lips. I am ahead of the game without even trying!

New at McDonalds

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 23:11:00 +0000

Before I had kids, I always imagined I would be the kind of mother who never took her kids to McDonald's. In my parenting fantasies, I was home baking with fresh ingredients and serving gourmet meals to my perfect, happy family.

But it turns out, I am not a good cook.

Also, McDonald's food is delicious and they have a drive thru window. I love the drive thru. I don't have to drag all five hundred of my kids out of the car just so they can embarrass me in public by misbehaving in yet another restaurant.

Today, at McDonald's, there was a new item on the menu. The Southern Style Chicken Sandwich. Sounds good! Bring it on!

Right out of the box, it isn't much to look at. The bun was freakishly shiny, which was off putting at first.
There is no sauce on it either, so I had to send a kid back into McDonald's to get Mama some mayo.

Surprisingly, it tasted almost exactly like the Chick-Fil-A Classic Chicken Sandwich. Not quite as good. I don't think the chicken was processed, so it was like a regular piece of chicken. That's an improvement over the weird chicken patty you get on the McChicken sandwich. It was really moist and had a lot of flavor. I probably didn't need to add mayonnaise. The pickles were mild and crunchy. I think I'd still choose Chick-Fil-A, but in a pinch, this is a pretty decent sandwich.

Doggy Diapers, for serious!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 00:21:00 +0000

Have you ever seen a belly band? They are the most excellent thing for boy dogs ever. A friend of mine introduced me to these when I went to her house and all her dogs were wearing little pants. Of course, I "borrowed" a band from her immediately. She said everyone takes at least one when they visit because they can't believe they have had boy dogs without them.

Here is how the bands work:

You put a pad (poise for active dogs, a regular pad for dogs who don't mark very much) in the band and wrap the band around the dogs *ahem* area. When the dog marks, the diaper catches the pee instead of it being caught by your sofa or curtains.

These bands come from http://www.designerdoggie.net/, your belly band shop of choice. The owner custom makes the bands for your dog in whatever fabric you want.

If you have a boy dog, go order at least two bands today. You will thank me when your house isn't stinky anymore.

That is my friend's dog in the picture. Isn't he a cute model?

*She sells panties for the girl dogs too!

Tacky Taco Salad

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 23:45:00 +0000

This is a recipe I got years ago from a friend. It appealed to me because it involves Doritos, which are delicious, and veggies which make me feel like a good mother when I serve them.

Everyone in my family loves this. Yours will too, but it might make them feel better to make fun of it like a bunch of food snobs.

Tacky Taco Salad

1 big bag Doritos

chopped tomatoes

chopped lettuce

chopped cucumbers

1 bottle of Catalina salad dressing

1 lb ground beef or turkey

1 package taco seasoning mix

Brown the ground beef and add taco seasoning mix. Follow the directions on the packet of taco seasoning mix. (you might have to add water or something)

In a big salad bowl, mix the lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, Doritos, and ground beef.

Dump in Catalina dressing and mix everything together.

Serve to great cheers from your young children and disapproving eyerolls from everyone else.
But you won't have any leftovers!

Cookies you can pretend are homemade!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 21:52:00 +0000

I got to preview the cookies from www.ohmascookies.com They won't be open for business until September, but you can go ahead and place your Thanksgiving and Christmas orders now. Get your orders in early to make sure you have these homemade cookies in your freezer when your overachieving neighbors send you an invitation to their cookie swaps, or your relatives come to visit and you need to impress them with your (non-existent) baking skills.

True story, my nit picky mother in law was coming over to visit the day Ohma's Cookies arrived. She is the type who always wished her son had married a nice old fashioned girl who cooks and cleans instead of me. As you all know, I am a terrible cook. But then these cookies, lemon stars to be exact, showed up at my doorstep looking like a championship baker had made them. Being the deviant I am, I arranged them on a plate and served them with a cup of tea to my mother in law. She was so excited by my new found baking skills, I got to act all modest and tell her I wished I could give her the recipe, but it's a family secret.

Ohmas is my homemade cookie shop from now on.

But if you come over and I serve cookies, at least pretend you think I made them.

Music Review

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 19:49:00 +0000

By Guest Blogger Ben, teenage boy

I got this CD from http://www.cdbaby.com/. You can always find new stuff there that isn't the same stuff you hear over and over on the radio.

This CD is called I'm In Love and I Hate It by Nick Bognar. It totally rocks so hard. The drums are awesome and the songs get stuck in your head. This guy has great music and lyrics that actually mean something. Wasted Man is my favorite song off this CD right now, I like the part where he says, "I don't need freedom half as much as anonymity." I am trying to learn how to play all the songs on my guitar.

If you go to http://cdbaby.com/cd/nickbognar you can hear parts of all of his songs. You can also see more of Nick at www.myspace.com/nickbognar. On his Myspace page he also lists the places and dates where you can see him play live.

Bad Panty Day?

noreply@blogger.com (Jessica) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 19:40:00 +0000

Too many bad panty days have left me on an eternal search for a pair that doesn't ride up. Some days, having a wedgie is more than I can tolerate. I saw these Hanes 100% cotton Bikini panties with a "No Ride Up Comfort Fit Promise" at the Target the other day. The ad sounded good to me, but will they deliver a day free of wedgie annoyance? I took them home fully expecting that these panties would be invading my nether regions before I left my bedroom.
Good news!
These panties didn't go anywhere. They stayed glued to my butt like I was a pageant girl. I wore them caring for the baby, picking up the house, vacuuming, and going out shopping, nothing made these move.
I am in love!